Embracing my inner Rylan
How much male grooming is too much?
AS WITH so many addictions, there was the gateway drug. For me, it was moisturiser. It seemed so harmless, just an ordinary pot of Nivea, out of which I’d do a couple of lines every morning. It felt so good, and made me feel ready for the day. Besides, I could always justify using it, because it calmed down any shaving rash. It wasn’t vanity – it was necessary.
But then came the aftershave, or rather, aftershaves. My chosen substance to abuse was Czech & Speake No. 88, which I have used for years, and yet I still remain fully functioning. This was augmented by Cuba, and occasionally I would just go very trad and splash on some 4711. It’s good to have variety, even if my habit was proving somewhat expensive.
I kept the aftershave abuse quiet, and would only let on to a few people that I used it. Of course, I was in denial, because they could smell it a mile off – I confess to being a heavy user – but I knew there were many who regard aftershave as shameful and unmanly.
It should have stopped there, but then came the next level – the nasal and ear hair trimmer. Again, this seemed justified, as I’ve reached that age in which I am losing hair where I want to keep it, and gaining hair where I don’t want it. There is nothing so ageing as having hairy ears and a nose, and so the investment was made. Handily, the device also features an attachment that trims eyebrows, so it’s the kind of Swiss Army knife of male grooming.
At this point, things were under control, but then came the teeth whitening.
Luckily, I have a very generous orthodontist friend called Matt, and he sorted out the moulds and gels for me. The first time I tried it, I knew I was crossing a line, but like all addicts, I felt I had a good reason. Mine was that I appear quite a bit on the television, and it was surely better – as a coffee and red wine drinker – to have teeth that were pearly rather than looking like bits of hard old cheddar. You see? My logic was unassailable.
But here comes the embarrassing bit – the hair dryer. Now I know that in some countries nearly all men use these things, but in Britain, they are big no-no, a sign of almost absurd vanity.
So why do I risk ridicule by using one? Again, like all addicts, I feel my reason is justifiable – my hair has an annoying habit of flopping down, and because I don’t want ‘curtains’, I whack in some hair gel – ah, whoops, did I forget to mention the hair gel? – and then I blow dry it to make it all stay in place and to give my barnet a bit more oomph.
For my wife, this habit is too much – not least because I regularly pinch her hair dryer. I suspect that many would agree with her, because there is nothing so ugly as male vanity.
In my defence, I’d say that it could be a lot worse. I don’t manscape or dye my hair, and neither have I had surgery or used botox. (I confess to irregularly using some anti-ageing serum, unlike a middle-aged male historian of my acquaintance who uses it every day.) My grooming routine is, I suspect, standard for many men in their twenties and thirties, but not for those clocking in at half-a-century plus.
There’s also a bloody-minded part of me that sees no reason why I should let myself go. I’m certainly not trying to look younger, but what I am doing is to look the best I can for the age I’m at. Is that a crime? I think not, and I hope that others agree. I think I’m a long way from the full Rylan, but like all addicts, I may not realise that I’m beyond hope.
Go for it. Look good. Your skin is your body's largest organ and appreciates being pampered and loved. Why should men all age to look like shrivelled old prunes with deep crags on their faces? Slap on the moisturising cream and I only use E45 products as have allergies and costs so little compared to all the hugely expensive goop supposed to make one look decades younger. Don't tan too much, skin doesn't like that, or it will only encourage skin cancers as your father knows only too well. Your hair too loves being looked after but if using Maccassar oil or similar that would stain soft furnishing chair backs sit with care. A bit of hair spray to ensure when filming an annoying single strand of hair doesn't falls over the forehead... In older age ear hairs nose hairs, eyebrows for men need attention, we ladies have instead those beastly tough hairs on our chins, upper lips and lasers will only destroy dark hairs not the white ones. Good strong tweezers are an essential to our old age! Splash on the aftershave. Who wants men ponging as once they did thinking it was manly to be old sweat scented and soap bars like Lifebuoy advertised it would give "personal freshness" which in the tropics where I used to live didn't "last all day". But Rylan's teeth (has he had veneers stuck on?) are just TOO TOO white though part of his image. Teeth too white in period films etc are so annoying as so few had such a rows of fine dazzling pearlies that bleaching now brings. I wanted dazzling white teeth like film stars when I was a child so I brushed my teeth with extra care but no dazzle ever came. By doing this and in the habit of good brushing have good teeth and gums as my dentist told me for my age (almost 71). I look after them and only few fillings. Use those dental brushes too (like TV's sports presenter Gaby tells us to do) to remove the food between as gums shrink in ageing. Look after your adult teeth they are the only ones you'll have!
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